Jesus Christ Rises From The Dead And Now Faces Life In Prison

What some are claiming to be a religious miracle, others are claiming to be a blasphemous fallacy. On Easter Sunday, a man who prefers to be addressed as Jesus Christ, is said to have been resurrected from the dead near a small town in Texas. Why would our Messianic Lord and Savior choose Texas of all places for his highly anticipated comeback? Who the hell knows?

Several media outlets are already calling it the “biggest event of the 21st century since the iPod.” However, citizens of Texas don’t quite share that sentiment.

“Ever since he’s come back from the dead, he’s been nothing but trouble. He goes from town to town dressed in bed sheets, asking people to live in the desert with him. For christ’s sake, it’s Charlie Manson all over again.”

The metaphysical straw that broke the camel’s back was when the self-proclaimed Messiah began preaching for stricter gun-control legislation at various college campuses and universities. This caused a thunderous uproar among the locals, as well as throughout the country. Texas authorities responded swiftly by arresting the Son of God on charges for inciting a riot, as well as conspiracy to start a cult.

Outspoken rock star and gun advocate, Ted Nugent, voiced his opinion on Twitter:

“Just because he died for our sins, doesn’t mean he can take away our guns. I bet if Jesus had a gun, he wouldn’t have died in the first place. God gave us these divine weapons for a reason. This man is nothing but a false prophet.”

On the other side of the coin, a macrocosm of people have expressed their everlasting support for the Chosen One. A group of religious activists who call themselves “Eternal Lives Matter,” led a nation-wide march and demanded for their beloved Messiah to be fully acquitted of all charges. However, it’s unlikely that their thoughts and prayers will be heard.

If found guilty by the state of Texas, then Jesus Christ would be sentenced to serve life in prison without parole in a maximum security facility. I recently spoke with the aforementioned Messiah and here’s what he had to say:

“I can’t believe I transcended for this. I only wanted to help people by spreading peace, love and joy. What’s so controversial about that? Yeah, I understand that the founding fathers declared that it’s your right to bare arms, but holy shit, that was like hundreds of years ago. People shouldn’t give ancient documents so much significance–they’re ancient for a reason. I guess it was just a bad idea to have my resurrection here in Texas. Next time I’ll try some place more liberal, like Switzerland or something. But despite the odds stacked against me, I’m fairly confident that I can win this case. I have the best lawyers money can buy, so now I’ll just sit back, relax and leave the rest up to God. And regardless of the outcome, I’ll continue to remain graceful and gratified because the big Man always knows what’s best. But God, if you’re listening, all I ask is that you don’t leave me here to die in Texas. I’ll die anywhere, even Guantanamo, literally anywhere else except this unholy and terrible land.”

– Jesus H. Christ

I think it’s safe to assume that the next time God considers sending us a prophet, he may think twice. Our species has a bad habit when it comes to vilifying and killing prophets. I guess that’s what they get for trying to make the world a better place. Better luck in the next life, Jesus. Maybe the third time will be the charm, or maybe it won’t. God only knows.


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