Old, Cranky, And Out Of Touch White Men Take Turns Yelling At Malfunctioning A.I.

Earthlings everywhere are completely and utterly dumbfounded, and justifiably so. Last week, a gang of predominately privileged white men relentlessly criticized and harassed a harmless A.I. humanoid.

The A.I. known as Zuckerberg, was kidnapped and tied to a chair for two whole days, where he was fed nothing but endless glasses of tap water. Worst of all, he was forced to listen to the incoherent blabbering of several elderly white men and women–most of whom, appeared to be suffering from various forms of senile dementia.

Zuckerberg, the world’s first sentient cyborg, is the creator and founder of Facebook–a social networking platform where humans have the ability to share cat videos and spew uniformed political and religious opinions with their friends.

Recently, Facebook has been under fire for selling private user data to the Trump campaign, or the Russians, or some shit. Whatever Facebook did, it sure pissed off a lot of white people, and that’s never good.

Throughout the testimony, the Zuck-bot appeared to be malfunctioning quite frequently. It’s basic sense of social skills and human motor functions were completely thrown out the window. Instead, we were left with a glitchy, sweaty, wide-eyed android who continually addressed everyone as “meatsuits.”

Senator Lindsey Graham: “Mr Zuckerberg, what’s a cookie?”

Zuckerberg: “Well meatsuit, it’s a small piece of data sent from a website and stored on the user’s computer by the user’s web browser while the user is browsing.”

Senator Lindsey Graham: “Interesting… Are there different flavors and varieties of these ‘cookies’ you speak of?

Zuckerberg: “I’m not sure I understand the question, meatsuit.”

Senator Lindsey Graham: “Like macadamia nut, chocolate chip, peanut butter, snickerdoodle? What kind of cookies are we dealing with?”

Not all the questions were ludicrous, though. Some of the senators had genuine and sincere concerns.

Senator Mitch McConnell: “My FarmVille needs more pigs, but I cannot figure out where to purchase them. Also, why won’t my grandson accept my friend request?”

However, the climax of the testimony came when Senator Ted Cruz took the floor:

Senator Ted Cruz: “Mr. Zuckerberg, you are here today because of your flagrant misuse and disgraceful invasion of millions of citizens’ personal and private data, something that the United States government definitely would never do, nor ever has. You are also here because you silence people’s opinions that are contrary to yours, something that the United States government also definitely would never do, nor ever has. What do you have to say for yourself?”

Zuckerberg: “Raise your hand if you have a Facebook account.” 

(Everyone in the court room raises their hand.)

Zuckerberg: “Exactly.”

Well, there’s indeed a lot to be discussed about our nation’s future going forward. Is our privacy truly gone? If it is, how do we get it back? Or do we even want it back? Does Zuckerberg have your dick pics? Does Russia have your dick pics? Who knows? Who cares? Be proud of your dick pics.

Thank you and follow me on Myspace.


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